Problems with seeing how you decay
I guess I was just like everyone else when you are young, you see someone that is older and you think "wow, they are old, I sure hope I don't get like that". The sad thing is looking back then I think I was talking/thinking about people that were my age (41) back then when I was around 15. But as you start to grow older, you notice your body change, you notice the wrinkles become more developed and no matter how much you try to avoid the dreaded wrinkles, it happens. That was my point of view back then, but now I see it as a pure and natural progression. I think my job has a lot to do with my thinking now. But at the same time in caring for the elderly I worry about my parents and with my being so far away from them (they live in the UK and I live in Canada) I can't do anything for them. It has gotten to the point now that I can hear it in their voices how they are aging. I worry about my mum and dad on a constant basis, and this worry somehow makes me not call them. I guess there is a lot of fear in there somewhere - somehow. I know the outcome of life, which is ultimately death. Yes we carry on, but when all you have is this world and you are left to live it without a loved one, it feels like a never ending nightmare. You can be surrounded by a wife, a lover, friends and other family, yet nothing anyone can say can make that empty and shocking void dissapear. Where there was once a field in bloom, there now lays a scene with rain and dark clouds with no sign of shelter.
Time heals nothing. I guess if you lose your mind through time you are fortunate to a degree. But again I would rather keep my mind. I don't want to forget the people I love. That is the thing about life it is a great pleasure, but that pleasure holds a lot of pain.
I feel like I see my life before me, or I should say the life before us all. You hear when you are young that you need to embrace life, enjoy it to the fullest. That is mindless talk to a youthful person. The problems of growing are all too much sometimes to enjoy anything. But life is amazingly short. It feels the moment we are born into the world is the same as lighting a candle, slowly we burn out. The melted wax is the memory of us in the minds of many. Eventually that wax memory will fade in time also. But somewhere in the history books our names will be written for purely counting reasons, and for reasons of family trees. Just a name in a box. A sad way to be known, when in the minds of us all we live, feel life as we live it. But a name in a box is what we become. And some don't even become that. The name in the box doesn't matter.
